Sexual Instinct (libido) VS The Art of Lovemaking

desire

One of the big mistakes in understanding human sexuality is that most people, including professional institutions, do not see human sexuality as an art requiring a skill which we all need to learn. Most people think that they have to have desire for sex so call libido the same way as they have desire for food. It is true that most men and women have a simple biological sexual desire from time to time, independently from having the partner or not. Most men have this desire more often that most women. Also sexual desire diminishes when we get older.

What is this sexual desire we call libido? Think deeply! This is an instinct! Every man and every woman are given this instinct. Men and women get aroused in order to arise in them the desire to mate. And, as soon as they mate this instinct provides the male ejaculation inside vagina. Everything is for the purpose of reproduction only! Nature only cares for the reproduction of the species. Contraceptives have become widespread only in the last 100 years, and before that for millions of years men and women driven by this instinct were faced with a newborn baby after having sex. Unfortunately, even after the invention of contraceptives, the opportunity to feel free from this reproductive reflex, and to develop it into an act of beautiful physical communication, was not embraced by most people.

Instincts are given to us to survive. And yet, our other base needs, such as food and shelter, we have developed into artforms. No longer living in caves, we pay great attention to our homes through architecture and interior design.

preparationThe simple instinct of eating in order to stay alive has turned into the art of cooking. We made this instinct into a whole rich set of varieties, into the taste culture. The simple desire for food only requires from us to put in our mouth anything which can be digested and which can give us energy for life. Furthermore, the instinct for food does not require from us even to chew, just to quickly swallow. Nevertheless, even when we are very hungry we still try to not just swallow anything. We wait for the food to be prepared nicely, and then we eat it slowly, gaining pleasure not only from the fact we can satisfy our hunger, but from the pleasure of tasting the food itself.

The same attitude we should develop towards our sexual instinct. Sexual drive in its pure representation is just an instinct for reproduction. It calls a man and a woman to get aroused quickly and make a man ejaculate, just like putting any food in your mouth and swallowing it.

Ejaculation by itself is not an orgasm, if we define an orgasm as a state of happiness. The Female orgasm, as a state of happiness, cannot be achieved purely through the physical stimulation of erogenous zones. As human beings we want to have sex which can satisfy our longing for love, romance, and a soulful connection. We want to experience a lot of happy emotions during and after sex. And it is via sex that we reinforce the feeling that we have a good, loving and lasting relationship.

Such feelings are not what we can call “instinct”. It is not what we are given by nature. It is not just a desire similar to the libido. Instead it is a whole process which we need to create. So, we need to know how to create this process, what tools or ingredients to use, how to combine different elements, how to improve and how make each of these elements more pleasant.

Looking more carefully at these human longings, it is clear that man needs to reign in the desire to ejaculate, similarly to how we no longer want to swallow the uncooked food. If a man learns to enjoy “preparing the food” and “eating it slowly”, his hunger, or so called sexual tension, will disappear. His body will clear from the intense sensations in genitals that demand a release. Instead, his body will become sensual everywhere – it will become joyful and loving. His body will be “fed” fully and totally with the energy of love and happiness. And, in turn, the body of his woman will not be abused, or put to “work” for his ejaculation. A woman can truly use her body for love and connection with her man if the desire to ejaculate is removed. Every man can become a cultured sexual human being if he learns how to develop his sexual instinct into the art of lovemaking. Every woman can bring a lot of creativity into her sex life and help her man to become her creative sexual partner.

A man can still ejaculate from time to time, if it is effortless and if this powerful pulsation is shared by both partners as a wonderful wave of happiness. Yet, it should not happen too often. Why? Read next week’s on ejaculation, it’s bad effect on both male health, and a man’s relationship with his female partner.  New articles every Sunday.

Read my E-Book “Unimacy. How to create lasting love and intimacy”.
My next article will be about ejaculation, its bad effect on male health and man’s relationship with his female partner.  

REAL WOMEN ARE EVERYWHERE!

couple kissMen have a very strong desire to touch a woman. This is the man’s nature. There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is their attitude to women. And as the result of that, the quality of the male touch is often not pleasant for women.

Men often do not see a person inside a female body. They see just the shape of the woman’s body, female forms or just sexual organs which obviously excite them, and that they immediately want to touch. I can compare this male compulsion with the desire of a baby to touch something that has caught its attention: a toy, a dog, a cat, a person. A baby touches without any attention to what his/her hand is actually doing, a baby’s hand just grabs, squeezes, scratches. Men often touch women the same way. They just want to feel a female body by their hands or other parts of their bodies. And as a result they just use a female body for their pleasure, meanwhile giving no pleasure to their women.

Often men stimulate a female body as if they are imputing in to a computer. They are looking for the right keys instead of loving a person, instead of feeling what this person inside the female body senses. Men rarely follow the sense of connection and mutual care. They stimulate their women to orgasm and feel proud of that: they have found the right key! Their women tolerate it, as they often have no choice, but eventually they start to feel more and more disconnected to their men. They feel something is missing. The job of “finding and pushing the key to bring them to orgasm” does not make them happy.

There are no definite tips or secrets on how to make a woman sexually happy, there are no tricks to give a woman pleasure. Instead, there is a process which a man has to create every time he is with his woman. He has to be like a pianist, who every time creates a process of playing music for the audience to enjoy. Men have to give up all these beliefs in tips and tricks, which are so common on the internet. They need to completely isolate themselves from negative porn images. They need to see real women, real people, living in real female bodies. They live here in this world, not on the screen. They walk streets, travel on the tube, fly in planes, shop. Real women are everywhere! Real women have heads full of ideas, hearts open for love, and bodies ready for loving, caring and sensual contact. Women are not “pussies”, “boobs” or “asses”! Women are people!

A MAN! You can only know what to do to your woman when you continuously listen to her female body and make the next caring and loving action towards it according to its reaction. Of course you need to learn, like any pianist, how to create this kind of loving and caring touch and movement. You need to learn how to deal with your biologically programmed mechanism of driving your body to unpleasant and even brutal movements, which can even hurt the female body. You have to learn many things about creating the art of physical love. Only by developing yourself in that direction will you be able to bring into your life the lasting magic of lovemaking. Yet this magic is only possible if nothing is predicted, imagined and planned in the form of a goal.

A lot of loving attention to each other during lovemaking is the first key. A lot of love and care is the second key.

Book my Coaching Programs. I am working in central London, UK.

I also want to introduce you to an amazing teacher of loving touch, Alexey Kuzmin, who is also working in central London, UK. Go to his website: www.tantrictherapy.co.uk. Come, together with your man or your woman, to his individual couples workshop. He will teach you how to take your partner to another world!

A lot of men believe that they are very tactile and sensual…

A lot of men believe that they are very tactile and sensual. ‘I love touching a woman’s body’, many men would say. Yet, they do not consider that they also have to be present with their women but not live in their own fantasies about touching a female body. A lot of men touch the female body just for their own pleasure, even if they would not agree with that. And, in a way, they like to touch women with no consideration of what women may feel. An average man does not think about that there is a person inside the female body, and this person wants to feel right in her own body. Every woman has different sensitivity. Every woman has different state of her body and mind in different days. And also every woman wants to fee loved and cared of, when she is touched but not just stimulated.

The female body provides a very nice tactile sensation for a man’s hand, and so to his brain. Female shape, smoothness of female skin excites a man, it creates arousal in his body. Yet, this should not be the main reason for a man to touch a woman. Most men would say: ‘This is not the reason why I want to touch my woman! I touch my woman for her! I want her to feel good and happy! I want to give her pleasure, that’s why I touch her!’ Yes, a man could have a good intention, but in reality of physical body he can produce the wrong and not very pleasant touch.

Today we live in a highly developed society. We do not want to use sexual energy only for reproductive purpose. Women are no longer dependant on men and they too want to be sexually happy. So, every man needs to be educated in two things: 1. How to manage his sexual energy, 2. How truly love the female body.

Angel or Slut?

angel-and-devil-woman

“Men want to marry an angel but in bed they want a slut”

This idea comes from a very limited understanding of sex and from the idea that the woman should seduce the man to arouse his sexual energy. Deep down in every man there is a strong fear of not being aroused, so men are always looking for something that will stimulate arousal instantly without effort. This means that the most important thing is some kind of seductive element, like in pornography or when women use sexy seductive underwear or express seductive behaviour. This will immediately stimulate arousal. But of course in many respects a man would not be happy with a wife or girlfriend who would exhibit this type of behaviour as this would mean she could seduce other men as well.

And as long as the man doesn’t know of other ways to experience love and being aroused – if he doesn’t know what it means to be aroused by an angel, by angelic behaviour! – he doesn’t know these other possibilities. The angelic behaviour shows no element of seduction but true adoration of the man. The woman touches the man with an angelic face, with a smile, with care, with a lot of love, like a mother touching her baby. Most men never experience this type of arousal.

The belief that the woman should be this angel in all other respects but when it comes to sex and moving into the bedroom she needs to become a horny, seductive slut is not true in my experience. For 20 years I have worked with men and all this time I have presented myself as an angel. I would never have been able to love myself if I had played the games of seduction. I always wanted to create in the man’s heart great respect, love and care towards my body.

When a man gets triggered by seduction, when he gets aroused by seductive behaviour, he can become quite brutal towards the woman and behave in an unrespectful way, even causing the woman pain. In my work I always wanted to protect my body from this attitude in men and the only way to do it is to be an angel! To bring the man to this angelic world where he will be aroused from soft, gentle touch. Where he will experience his body as a sensual, loving and loved body. Then he will treat the female body in the same way.

In a relationship it is possible all through life to be in love with each other, to be sexually active and enjoy the sexual life only if you are both angels. If you start to play seductive games it will never last. It will always lead you to disrespect and abuse of each others emotions, bodies and energies and will eventually destroy your love and relationship.

From my client

Hey Lara,

I slept with a girl that I had met from an online dating site. I didn’t plan to sleep with her but it just happened as we got on really well. 
 
The best part was that I had quality passionate oral sex with her, pretty much all night without cumming at all. I was very much surprised and pleased. The breathing exercises and PC muscle exercises definitely worked and I really want to thank you for guiding me on this 🙂 Plus the sensual touches, the way you taught me, was like a deep and quality love making experience with her. 
 
Thank you once again and hopefully I will see you around at some point in the future. K.” .
 

Good Sex or Porn? For men.

Watching porn harms your health, relationship and your soul. Watching porn creates the energy of abuse inside you. Stop doing that! Become a “flying man”, a dreamer, a poet, a LOVER!

Why it is not good when a man is on top in intercourse?

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1. A female’s body is usually much smaller than a male’s body.

2. When a man is on top he can press on woman’s body with his weight, he can be too heavy for her and hurt her back.

3. He cannot relax fully because he has to hold himself on his arms. His shoulders can quickly get tired, his arms can get tired, his knees can get tired… When a man is tired he starts to speed up, he is not enjoyng the process, he wants to finish.

4. When a man is on top he cannot do anything to female body but only move into her vagina. He can get quickly overexcited and climax.

5. A man usually does not pay much attention to female body when he is on top. He gets too focused on his penis, he looses connection to his woman, he stops feeling what she wants and what is good for her.

6. When he is on top he can get bored more quickly, tired, he cannot continue on top for a long time.

For men who have erection problems

Thinking about sex ask yourself: What do I want to have sex for?

There two things what sex is for:

  1. for having a baby

  2. for expressing love

    If you want to have a baby than you have to work how to make your penis erect enough to be able to enter your woman and ejaculate. For this matter 2 min of more or less erected penis is enough. The job done! Will your woman get pregnant or not it is another matter.

If you want to express love you have to ask yourself many additional questions as such:

  1. Is it really true that my woman wants only my erect penis?

  2. What kind of touches she likes if she does not mind my penis to be soft?

  3. How can I make her physically happy beyond an intercourse?

  4. What kind of intercourse is possible to make her happy when my penis is soft?

  5. How can I touch her for hours to make her feel my love?

  6. How can I love her body the way she feels happy whatever my penis can do?

And many many other questions because a woman loves attention to her body and especially to her skin and breast, neck and belly, hair and ears, sides and back, shoulders… Vagina is not on this list yet! And maybe not much on this list!

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