My Story which is relevant to this blog.
I was seventeen years old when I had my first sexual intercourse. It happened with a man I was in love with. We had known each other for more than two years. It seemed we were already great lovers. We could spend hours stroking, kissing and hugging each other. We experienced warm pleasant waves of arousal in our genitals and told each other about that, yet, we held back the desire for intercourse.
We were extremely happy without intercourse. Incredible admiration of each other’s bodies was expressed by constant compliments, observation and touch. We did it everywhere: on the street, on buses, in the movies… When we were alone in the room we could slowly and gently stroke each other for hours, rediscovering again and again every curve and every hill on our bodies. We kissed each other’s bellies, necks, legs, arms, faces… In a shower our hands slipped over each other’s soapy skin like water… We touched each other so wonderfully and derived so much pleasure from each other!
Our rich world of physical love gradually became narrow and dull after intercourse started to become part of our relationship. Very soon I started to dislike more and more our quick strip and brief activity under the blankets. Often I suffered pain caused by rigid movements of my boyfriend’s penis in my vagina. I tried to change his behavior and to introduce him to my understanding of sex, which was slower and gentler, but he would not let me. We did not succeed in reviving those previous poetic touches. A year later we broke up.
As a young woman I started to explore my sexual feelings. I wanted to feel loved. I tried to understand my body more. I wanted to always enjoy sexual encounters with a man.
So in my youth, I decided that I would make love like slow dancing. I believed that lovemaking should not consist of any pressure and excessive excitation. I decided always to initiate this dance myself. By doing this, I hoped to prevent my man from rushing. I did not want him to concentrate only on his own sensations and get himself faster to ejaculation. I decided to teach my man how to touch me and help him to relax.
I got married when I was 21. 10 years of marriage to my first husband was sexually a very happy time. He tragically died at 35. Since his death I have not had an easy life. Though having lovers has helped me a lot and I have shared a lot of pleasure with my partners.
What was my unique skill as a lover, which always made me happy as a woman and sexually attractive to the man I made love with? From an early age I had learnt these things:
1. A mother-like attitude to my own body and to the body of my partner.
2. I initiated everything by myself.
3. I have never used any seductive elements.
4. I have learned to control the intensity of sexual arousal by movements of my body and I invited the man to follow my body.
5. I always kept my attention on my partner but not on myself.
6. I was not focused on achieving an orgasm but on having a lot of sweet waves passing through my whole body.
7. I always tried to help my partner to have the same waves and because of that, balance his body sexually, avoiding ejaculation.
8. I always nurtured my partner’s body.
9. I always refused to have sexual encounters with anyone who tried to seduce me or wanted me to behave seductively.
I really initiated everything I wanted to do during sex. I did not wait for my lover to act upon my body. I have never used any seductive elements during lovemaking: my face always looked angelic with warm and soft smile, my body moved with beautiful innocent playfulness, I never moaned loudly or shouted. If I wanted to be “wild” and to drive myself and my partner to the higher state of arousal, I still moved like I was dancing, maintaining strong connection with my partner rather than focusing on myself rubbing my genitals against his body. Nurturing my partner in a mother-like manner became more and more rewarding for me. Stroking, massaging and kissing him meant for me expressing my sexuality in this caring, innocent and creative way. It tremendously enriched my own physical and emotional experiences. I was happier when I saw my partner relaxed and smiling at me and following my movements. I did not like it at all when my lover got tense and wanted to bring himself or me to orgasm.
However, I have to admit, that with every man I felt at the beginning that he wanted more or less to dominate my body. I did understand that this male behavior was based on his pure instinctive sexual desire for me. So, I patiently led a man into my world of romantic love and he gradually got relaxed and gave up trying to force me into anything. Soon the man I made love with enjoyed more and more our soft and gentle lovemaking. I had total control over our lovemaking. I could make any movements I needed to bring my sexual energy on the comfortable level of intensity. It helped my man to keep his sexual energy on the same level as mine. Often, my lover and I, can make love for an hour or more and we both did not always need to finish with orgasm.
During my first sexual relationship I had already noticed that after having an orgasm, I had for a few days, a very low energy. Sometimes next morning after lovemaking I could not go to university. I never took alcohol, I did not smoke, I did not go to bed too late and my boyfriend and I mostly made love in the day time. Yet, still, the next day after lovemaking, I was absolutely exhausted. My head was heavy. Often I felt nausea. I started to avoid having an orgasm.
My life took me to live in different parts of Russia and then to England. I made a lot of friends. All of them could talk openly about their sexual experiences. My ideas of making love slowly and gently, as well as the idea of avoiding orgasm were appreciated and absorbed into lives of many of my friends.
I was in my late thirties when I started my professional sexual therapy practice. Ideas from Taoism, Tantra, medicine, psychology and even quantum mechanics have formed my method of working. Also, my professional and personal experiences have provided me with a deep insight into the dynamics of sexual relationships and helped me to understand changes in sexual behavior that comes with age.