One of the big mistakes in understanding human sexuality is that most people, including professional institutions, do not see human sexuality as an art requiring a skill which we all need to learn. Most people think that they have to have desire for sex so call libido the same way as they have desire for food. It is true that most men and women have a simple biological sexual desire from time to time, independently from having the partner or not. Most men have this desire more often that most women. Also sexual desire diminishes when we get older.
What is this sexual desire we call libido? Think deeply! This is an instinct! Every man and every woman are given this instinct. Men and women get aroused in order to arise in them the desire to mate. And, as soon as they mate this instinct provides the male ejaculation inside vagina. Everything is for the purpose of reproduction only! Nature only cares for the reproduction of the species. Contraceptives have become widespread only in the last 100 years, and before that for millions of years men and women driven by this instinct were faced with a newborn baby after having sex. Unfortunately, even after the invention of contraceptives, the opportunity to feel free from this reproductive reflex, and to develop it into an act of beautiful physical communication, was not embraced by most people.
Instincts are given to us to survive. And yet, our other base needs, such as food and shelter, we have developed into artforms. No longer living in caves, we pay great attention to our homes through architecture and interior design.
The simple instinct of eating in order to stay alive has turned into the art of cooking. We made this instinct into a whole rich set of varieties, into the taste culture. The simple desire for food only requires from us to put in our mouth anything which can be digested and which can give us energy for life. Furthermore, the instinct for food does not require from us even to chew, just to quickly swallow. Nevertheless, even when we are very hungry we still try to not just swallow anything. We wait for the food to be prepared nicely, and then we eat it slowly, gaining pleasure not only from the fact we can satisfy our hunger, but from the pleasure of tasting the food itself.
The same attitude we should develop towards our sexual instinct. Sexual drive in its pure representation is just an instinct for reproduction. It calls a man and a woman to get aroused quickly and make a man ejaculate, just like putting any food in your mouth and swallowing it.
Ejaculation by itself is not an orgasm, if we define an orgasm as a state of happiness. The Female orgasm, as a state of happiness, cannot be achieved purely through the physical stimulation of erogenous zones. As human beings we want to have sex which can satisfy our longing for love, romance, and a soulful connection. We want to experience a lot of happy emotions during and after sex. And it is via sex that we reinforce the feeling that we have a good, loving and lasting relationship.
Such feelings are not what we can call “instinct”. It is not what we are given by nature. It is not just a desire similar to the libido. Instead it is a whole process which we need to create. So, we need to know how to create this process, what tools or ingredients to use, how to combine different elements, how to improve and how make each of these elements more pleasant.
Looking more carefully at these human longings, it is clear that man needs to reign in the desire to ejaculate, similarly to how we no longer want to swallow the uncooked food. If a man learns to enjoy “preparing the food” and “eating it slowly”, his hunger, or so called sexual tension, will disappear. His body will clear from the intense sensations in genitals that demand a release. Instead, his body will become sensual everywhere – it will become joyful and loving. His body will be “fed” fully and totally with the energy of love and happiness. And, in turn, the body of his woman will not be abused, or put to “work” for his ejaculation. A woman can truly use her body for love and connection with her man if the desire to ejaculate is removed. Every man can become a cultured sexual human being if he learns how to develop his sexual instinct into the art of lovemaking. Every woman can bring a lot of creativity into her sex life and help her man to become her creative sexual partner.
A man can still ejaculate from time to time, if it is effortless and if this powerful pulsation is shared by both partners as a wonderful wave of happiness. Yet, it should not happen too often. Why? Read next week’s on ejaculation, it’s bad effect on both male health, and a man’s relationship with his female partner. New articles every Sunday.
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My next article will be about ejaculation, its bad effect on male health and man’s relationship with his female partner.