Sexual Instinct (libido) VS The Art of Lovemaking


One of the big mistakes in understanding human sexuality is that most people, including professional institutions, do not see human sexuality as an art requiring a skill which we all need to learn. Most people think that they have to have desire for sex so call libido the same way as they have desire for food. It is true that most men and women have a simple biological sexual desire from time to time, independently from having the partner or not. Most men have this desire more often that most women. Also sexual desire diminishes when we get older.

What is this sexual desire we call libido? Think deeply! This is an instinct! Every man and every woman are given this instinct. Men and women get aroused in order to arise in them the desire to mate. And, as soon as they mate this instinct provides the male ejaculation inside vagina. Everything is for the purpose of reproduction only! Nature only cares for the reproduction of the species. Contraceptives have become widespread only in the last 100 years, and before that for millions of years men and women driven by this instinct were faced with a newborn baby after having sex. Unfortunately, even after the invention of contraceptives, the opportunity to feel free from this reproductive reflex, and to develop it into an act of beautiful physical communication, was not embraced by most people.

Instincts are given to us to survive. And yet, our other base needs, such as food and shelter, we have developed into artforms. No longer living in caves, we pay great attention to our homes through architecture and interior design.

preparationThe simple instinct of eating in order to stay alive has turned into the art of cooking. We made this instinct into a whole rich set of varieties, into the taste culture. The simple desire for food only requires from us to put in our mouth anything which can be digested and which can give us energy for life. Furthermore, the instinct for food does not require from us even to chew, just to quickly swallow. Nevertheless, even when we are very hungry we still try to not just swallow anything. We wait for the food to be prepared nicely, and then we eat it slowly, gaining pleasure not only from the fact we can satisfy our hunger, but from the pleasure of tasting the food itself.

The same attitude we should develop towards our sexual instinct. Sexual drive in its pure representation is just an instinct for reproduction. It calls a man and a woman to get aroused quickly and make a man ejaculate, just like putting any food in your mouth and swallowing it.

Ejaculation by itself is not an orgasm, if we define an orgasm as a state of happiness. The Female orgasm, as a state of happiness, cannot be achieved purely through the physical stimulation of erogenous zones. As human beings we want to have sex which can satisfy our longing for love, romance, and a soulful connection. We want to experience a lot of happy emotions during and after sex. And it is via sex that we reinforce the feeling that we have a good, loving and lasting relationship.

Such feelings are not what we can call “instinct”. It is not what we are given by nature. It is not just a desire similar to the libido. Instead it is a whole process which we need to create. So, we need to know how to create this process, what tools or ingredients to use, how to combine different elements, how to improve and how make each of these elements more pleasant.

Looking more carefully at these human longings, it is clear that man needs to reign in the desire to ejaculate, similarly to how we no longer want to swallow the uncooked food. If a man learns to enjoy “preparing the food” and “eating it slowly”, his hunger, or so called sexual tension, will disappear. His body will clear from the intense sensations in genitals that demand a release. Instead, his body will become sensual everywhere – it will become joyful and loving. His body will be “fed” fully and totally with the energy of love and happiness. And, in turn, the body of his woman will not be abused, or put to “work” for his ejaculation. A woman can truly use her body for love and connection with her man if the desire to ejaculate is removed. Every man can become a cultured sexual human being if he learns how to develop his sexual instinct into the art of lovemaking. Every woman can bring a lot of creativity into her sex life and help her man to become her creative sexual partner.

A man can still ejaculate from time to time, if it is effortless and if this powerful pulsation is shared by both partners as a wonderful wave of happiness. Yet, it should not happen too often. Why? Read next week’s on ejaculation, it’s bad effect on both male health, and a man’s relationship with his female partner.  New articles every Sunday.

Read my E-Book “Unimacy. How to create lasting love and intimacy”.
My next article will be about ejaculation, its bad effect on male health and man’s relationship with his female partner.  



couple kissMen have a very strong desire to touch a woman. This is the man’s nature. There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is their attitude to women. And as the result of that, the quality of the male touch is often not pleasant for women.

Men often do not see a person inside a female body. They see just the shape of the woman’s body, female forms or just sexual organs which obviously excite them, and that they immediately want to touch. I can compare this male compulsion with the desire of a baby to touch something that has caught its attention: a toy, a dog, a cat, a person. A baby touches without any attention to what his/her hand is actually doing, a baby’s hand just grabs, squeezes, scratches. Men often touch women the same way. They just want to feel a female body by their hands or other parts of their bodies. And as a result they just use a female body for their pleasure, meanwhile giving no pleasure to their women.

Often men stimulate a female body as if they are imputing in to a computer. They are looking for the right keys instead of loving a person, instead of feeling what this person inside the female body senses. Men rarely follow the sense of connection and mutual care. They stimulate their women to orgasm and feel proud of that: they have found the right key! Their women tolerate it, as they often have no choice, but eventually they start to feel more and more disconnected to their men. They feel something is missing. The job of “finding and pushing the key to bring them to orgasm” does not make them happy.

There are no definite tips or secrets on how to make a woman sexually happy, there are no tricks to give a woman pleasure. Instead, there is a process which a man has to create every time he is with his woman. He has to be like a pianist, who every time creates a process of playing music for the audience to enjoy. Men have to give up all these beliefs in tips and tricks, which are so common on the internet. They need to completely isolate themselves from negative porn images. They need to see real women, real people, living in real female bodies. They live here in this world, not on the screen. They walk streets, travel on the tube, fly in planes, shop. Real women are everywhere! Real women have heads full of ideas, hearts open for love, and bodies ready for loving, caring and sensual contact. Women are not “pussies”, “boobs” or “asses”! Women are people!

A MAN! You can only know what to do to your woman when you continuously listen to her female body and make the next caring and loving action towards it according to its reaction. Of course you need to learn, like any pianist, how to create this kind of loving and caring touch and movement. You need to learn how to deal with your biologically programmed mechanism of driving your body to unpleasant and even brutal movements, which can even hurt the female body. You have to learn many things about creating the art of physical love. Only by developing yourself in that direction will you be able to bring into your life the lasting magic of lovemaking. Yet this magic is only possible if nothing is predicted, imagined and planned in the form of a goal.

A lot of loving attention to each other during lovemaking is the first key. A lot of love and care is the second key.

Book my Coaching Programs. I am working in central London, UK.

I also want to introduce you to an amazing teacher of loving touch, Alexey Kuzmin, who is also working in central London, UK. Go to his website: Come, together with your man or your woman, to his individual couples workshop. He will teach you how to take your partner to another world!

About Sex

Explore Sexual Energy. It is not just a “pleasure”.
Sexual Energy is a powerful source of physical and emotional wellbeing.
Practice Caring Sex. It is not just another way of having sex.

Caring Sex is the only way to make your partner feel loved.
Create More Love. It is not just your personal choice.

Creating More Love is everyone’s contribution to global abundance.  

Our adult need …

Our adult need for physical love is the same as a baby’s need for a “mammy”s cuddle, if the baby is left without this for a day or two he becomes very unhappy, if for a long time – he can even die, so our hearts and bodies are slowly dying without physical love.

As regards the word ‘sex’


I think this word does not convey exactly that wonderful experience which people can create together, expressing their love for each other. I think that this word is too unambiguous and really suggests even if indirectly the act of copulation, which any animal is capable of. Animals cannot make love, however. Moreover, they can not create the erotic art of love. Maybe men and women would feel happier if they used the words “making love” more often, rather than the term “having sex”?

Do you not think that the words “making love” create a different state of mind, accompanied by completely different physical feelings and actions? If someone gently utters: “I want to make love with you,” their physical behaviour will be more gentle and relaxed; they will pay more attention to touching each other, rather than focusing on achieving orgasm.

What are the elements you need to develop and improve in order to maintain love?

Sexuality is viewed by a lot of people as well as medical, professional and spiritual teachers as something purely personal, related to self-pleasuring.

Sexual happiness comes from within as everything else in a person’s life comes from within. Yet, it does not mean self-pleasuring.

In a sexual act with someone else, you are not the only person involved. There are two people here – your partner and you. Note, I have said: ‘your partner and you’ but not ‘you and your partner’. When talking about happiness from within, I meant loving and giving this body of yours as a gift to your partner. Your pleasure of making your partner happy creates sexual happiness within you. Not reaching orgasm, not gaining you own sexual release, not feeling aroused. Your joy comes from touching and loving your partner’s body for the sake of your partner’s comfort and happiness. Your joy and pleasure comes from receiving your partner’s physical love, touch, kisses, hugs and reciprocating.

The main focus of your sexual life is your partner.

Do not worry that you may be left with no pleasure if you give all your attention to your partner. If your focus is your partner, then your partner’s focus is you. It does not make sense to be together if it is not like that, does it! A happy sex life and a happy relationship is not possible if each partner is focused on themselves.



Why do people say that love is so hard?

Why do people say that love is so hard?                  


Is it because you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? Or is it because you stop wanting to be with someone who wants to be with you? Or is it because you want your partner to be different and he or she cannot? Or, because you get angry and frustrated with your partner but still want to be with him/her? You are suffering! From what? Think about what you call love? You want to feel this amazing feeling of having someone in your life who makes you happy, isn’t it? And also you want the guaranty of this feeling. To be always there, in your mind and body! He/she does not create this feeling in you any more or he/she leaves you and your feelings of love replaced with torturous feelings of jealousy, bitterness, pain, regret… Now you cannot lie on Sunday morning in bed and get sexually wild. And nothing in the whole universe can replace that. Nothing!

Yet… in a day or two … maybe a month or two… again… the same circle: love, wildness, disappointment, pain…

How to change that circle? On which stage? Are there any tools to have love and wildness but not disappointment and pain?

Yes. There are tools for changing the bad circle, but for that you have to use only one tool – love. The other 3 stages of this circle are not good for happy relationships. It is clear that disappointment and pain are not good for a happy relationship. But what is wrong with wildness?

This is it! Wildness is the engine to the next 2 stages. Why? You want the high adrenaline feeling and you want your partner to provide this feeling for you. You do not love him/her. You just want him/her to be responsible for your feeling of well-being and happiness. You are needy. Everyone who is needy is using others. Love is a completely different thing. Love is clear and calm like nice weather for flowers. Love is care and attention, but not to yourself for your own needs but for your partner’s. This will make him/her replicate towards you a wonderful sense that he/she needs you in his/her life.


For men who have erection problems

Thinking about sex ask yourself: What do I want to have sex for?

There two things what sex is for:

  1. for having a baby

  2. for expressing love

    If you want to have a baby than you have to work how to make your penis erect enough to be able to enter your woman and ejaculate. For this matter 2 min of more or less erected penis is enough. The job done! Will your woman get pregnant or not it is another matter.

If you want to express love you have to ask yourself many additional questions as such:

  1. Is it really true that my woman wants only my erect penis?

  2. What kind of touches she likes if she does not mind my penis to be soft?

  3. How can I make her physically happy beyond an intercourse?

  4. What kind of intercourse is possible to make her happy when my penis is soft?

  5. How can I touch her for hours to make her feel my love?

  6. How can I love her body the way she feels happy whatever my penis can do?

And many many other questions because a woman loves attention to her body and especially to her skin and breast, neck and belly, hair and ears, sides and back, shoulders… Vagina is not on this list yet! And maybe not much on this list!

Blog at

Up ↑