Sexual Instinct (libido) VS The Art of Lovemaking

One of the big mistakes in understanding human sexuality is that most people, including professional institutions, do not see human sexuality as an art requiring a skill which we all need to learn. Most people think that they have to have desire for sex so call libido the same way as they have desire for food. It is true that most men and women have a simple biological sexual desire from time to time, independently from having the partner or not. Most men have this desire more often that most women. Also sexual desire diminishes when we get older.

What is this sexual desire we call libido? Think deeply! This is an instinct! Every man and every woman are given this instinct. Men and women get aroused in order to arise in them the desire to mate. And, as soon as they mate this instinct provides the male ejaculation inside vagina. Everything is for the purpose of reproduction only! Nature only cares for the reproduction of the species. Contraceptives have become widespread only in the last 100 years, and before that for millions of years men and women driven by this instinct were faced with a newborn baby after having sex. Unfortunately, even after the invention of contraceptives, the opportunity to feel free from this reproductive reflex, and to develop it into an act of beautiful physical communication, was not embraced by most people.

Instincts are given to us to survive. And yet, our other base needs, such as food and shelter, we have developed into artforms. No longer living in caves, we pay great attention to our homes through architecture and interior design.

The simple instinct of eating in order to stay alive has turned into the art of cooking. We made this instinct into a whole rich set of varieties, into the taste culture. The simple desire for food only requires from us to put in our mouth anything which can be digested and which can give us energy for life. Furthermore, the instinct for food does not require from us even to chew, just to quickly swallow. Nevertheless, even when we are very hungry we still try to not just swallow anything. We wait for the food to be prepared nicely, and then we eat it slowly, gaining pleasure not only from the fact we can satisfy our hunger, but from the pleasure of tasting the food itself.

The same attitude we should develop towards our sexual instinct. Sexual drive in its pure representation is just an instinct for reproduction. It calls a man and a woman to get aroused quickly and make a man ejaculate, just like putting any food in your mouth and swallowing it.

Ejaculation by itself is not an orgasm, if we define an orgasm as a state of happiness. The Female orgasm, as a state of happiness, cannot be achieved purely through the physical stimulation of erogenous zones. As human beings we want to have sex which can satisfy our longing for love, romance, and a soulful connection. We want to experience a lot of happy emotions during and after sex. And it is via sex that we reinforce the feeling that we have a good, loving and lasting relationship.

Such feelings are not what we can call “instinct”. It is not what we are given by nature. It is not just a desire similar to the libido. Instead it is a whole process which we need to create. So, we need to know how to create this process, what tools or ingredients to use, how to combine different elements, how to improve and how make each of these elements more pleasant.

Looking more carefully at these human longings, it is clear that man needs to reign in the desire to ejaculate, similarly to how we no longer want to swallow the uncooked food. If a man learns to enjoy “preparing the food” and “eating it slowly”, his hunger, or so called sexual tension, will disappear. His body will clear from the intense sensations in genitals that demand a release. Instead, his body will become sensual everywhere – it will become joyful and loving. His body will be “fed” fully and totally with the energy of love and happiness. And, in turn, the body of his woman will not be abused, or put to “work” for his ejaculation. A woman can truly use her body for love and connection with her man if the desire to ejaculate is removed. Every man can become a cultured sexual human being if he learns how to develop his sexual instinct into the art of lovemaking. Every woman can bring a lot of creativity into her sex life and help her man to become her creative sexual partner.

A man can still ejaculate from time to time, if it is effortless and if this powerful pulsation is shared by both partners as a wonderful wave of happiness. Yet, it should not happen too often. Why? Read next week’s on ejaculation, it’s bad effect on both male health, and a man’s relationship with his female partner. New articles every Sunday.

Read my E-Book “Unimacy. How to create lasting love and intimacy”.
My next article will be about ejaculation, its bad effect on male health and man’s relationship with his female partner.

April 11, 2017 0

Angel or Slut?

“Men want to marry an angel but in bed they want a slut”

This idea comes from a very limited understanding of sex and from the idea that the woman should seduce the man to arouse his sexual energy. Deep down in every man there is a strong fear of not being aroused, so men are always looking for something that will stimulate arousal instantly without effort. This means that the most important thing is some kind of seductive element, like in pornography or when women use sexy seductive underwear or express seductive behaviour. This will immediately stimulate arousal. But of course in many respects a man would not be happy with a wife or girlfriend who would exhibit this type of behaviour as this would mean she could seduce other men as well.

And as long as the man doesn’t know of other ways to experience love and being aroused – if he doesn’t know what it means to be aroused by an angel, by angelic behaviour! – he doesn’t know these other possibilities. The angelic behaviour shows no element of seduction but true adoration of the man. The woman touches the man with an angelic face, with a smile, with care, with a lot of love, like a mother touching her baby. Most men never experience this type of arousal.

The belief that the woman should be this angel in all other respects but when it comes to sex and moving into the bedroom she needs to become a horny, seductive slut is not true in my experience. For 20 years I have worked with men and all this time I have presented myself as an angel. I would never have been able to love myself if I had played the games of seduction. I always wanted to create in the man’s heart great respect, love and care towards my body.

When a man gets triggered by seduction, when he gets aroused by seductive behaviour, he can become quite brutal towards the woman and behave in an unrespectful way, even causing the woman pain. In my work I always wanted to protect my body from this attitude in men and the only way to do it is to be an angel! To bring the man to this angelic world where he will be aroused from soft, gentle touch. Where he will experience his body as a sensual, loving and loved body. Then he will treat the female body in the same way.

In a relationship it is possible all through life to be in love with each other, to be sexually active and enjoy the sexual life only if you are both angels. If you start to play seductive games it will never last. It will always lead you to disrespect and abuse of each others emotions, bodies and energies and will eventually destroy your love and relationship.

October 10, 2016 0

About Sex

Explore Sexual Energy. It is not just a “pleasure”.
Sexual Energy is a powerful source of physical and emotional wellbeing.
Practice Caring Sex. It is not just another way of having sex.
Caring Sex is the only way to make your partner feel loved.
Create More Love. It is not just your personal choice.
Creating More Love is everyone’s contribution to global abundance.

October 9, 2016 0

My woman’s and a lovemaking teacher’s story

I was seventeen years old when I had my first sexual intercourse. It happened with a man I was in love with. We had known each other for more than two years. It seemed we were already great lovers. We could spend hours stroking, kissing and hugging each other. We experienced warm pleasant waves of arousal in our genitals and told each other about that, yet, we held back the desire for intercourse.

We were extremely happy without intercourse. Incredible admiration of each other’s bodies was expressed by constant compliments, observation and touch. We did it everywhere: on the street, on buses, in the movies… When we were alone in the room we could slowly and gently stroke each other for hours, rediscovering again and again every curve and every hill on our bodies. We kissed each other’s bellies, necks, legs, arms, faces… In a shower our hands slipped over each other’s soapy skin like water… We touched each other so wonderfully and derived so much pleasure from each other!

Our rich world of physical love gradually became narrow and dull after intercourse started to become part of our relationship. Very soon I started to dislike more and more our quick strip and brief activity under the blankets. Often I suffered pain caused by rigid movements of my boyfriend’s penis in my vagina. I tried to change his behavior and to introduce him to my understanding of sex, which was slower and gentler, but he would not let me. We did not succeed in reviving those previous poetic touches. A year later we broke up.

As a young woman I started to explore my sexual feelings. I wanted to feel loved. I tried to understand my body more. I wanted to always enjoy sexual encounters with a man.

So in my youth, I decided that I would make love like slow dancing. I believed that lovemaking should not consist of any pressure and excessive excitation. I decided always to initiate this dance myself. By doing this, I hoped to prevent my man from rushing. I did not want him to concentrate only on his own sensations and get himself faster to ejaculation. I decided to teach my man how to touch me and help him to relax.

I got married when I was 21. 10 years of marriage to my first husband was sexually a very happy time. He tragically died at 35. Since his death I have not had an easy life. Though having lovers has helped me a lot and I have shared a lot of pleasure with my partners.

What was my unique skill as a lover, which always made me happy as a woman and sexually attractive to the man I made love with? From an early age I’ve learnt these things:

A mother-like attitude to my own body and to the body of my partner.
I initiated everything by myself.
I have never used any seductive elements.
I have learned to control the intensity of sexual arousal by movements of my body and I invited the man to follow my body.
I always kept my attention on my partner but not on myself.
I was not focused on achieving an orgasm but on having a lot of sweet waves passing through my whole body.
I always tried to help my partner to have the same waves and because of that, balance his body sexually, avoiding ejaculation.
I always nurtured my partner’s body.
I always refused to have sexual encounters with anyone who tried to seduce me or wanted me to behave seductively.

I really initiated everything I wanted to do during sex. I did not wait for my lover to act upon my body. I have never used any seductive elements during lovemaking: my face always looked angelic with warm and soft smile, my body moved with beautiful innocent playfulness, I never moaned loudly or shouted. If I wanted to be “wild” and to drive myself and my partner to the higher state of arousal, I still moved like I was dancing, maintaining strong connection with my partner rather than focusing on myself rubbing my genitals against his body. Nurturing my partner in a mother-like manner became more and more rewarding for me. Stroking, massaging and kissing him meant for me expressing my sexuality in this caring, innocent and creative way. It tremendously enriched my own physical and emotional experiences. I was happier when I saw my partner relaxed and smiling at me and following my movements. I did not like it at all when my lover got tense and wanted to bring himself or me to orgasm.

However, I have to admit, that with every man I felt at the beginning that he wanted more or less to dominate my body. I did understand that this male behavior was based on his pure instinctive sexual desire for me. So, I patiently led a man into my world of romantic love and he gradually got relaxed and gave up trying to force me into anything. Soon the man I made love with enjoyed more and more our soft and gentle lovemaking. I had total control over our lovemaking. I could make any movements I needed to bring my sexual energy on the comfortable level of intensity. It helped my man to keep his sexual energy on the same level as mine. Often, my lover and I, can make love for an hour or more and we both did not always need to finish with orgasm.

During my first sexual relationship I had already noticed that after having an orgasm, I had for a few days, a very low energy. Sometimes next morning after lovemaking I could not go to university. I never took alcohol, I did not smoke, I did not go to bed too late and my boyfriend and I mostly made love in the day time. Yet, still, the next day after lovemaking, I was absolutely exhausted. My head was heavy. Often I felt nausea. I started to avoid having an orgasm.

My life took me to live in different parts of Russia and then to England. I made a lot of friends. All of them could talk openly about their sexual experiences. My ideas of making love slowly and gently, as well as the idea of avoiding orgasm were appreciated and absorbed into lives of many of my friends.

I was in my late thirties when I started my professional sexual therapy practice. Ideas from Taoism, Tantra, medicine, psychology and even quantum mechanics have formed my method of working. Also, my professional and personal experiences have provided me with a deep insight into the dynamics of sexual relationships and helped me to understand changes in sexual behavior that comes with age.

April 2, 2014 0